And I have absolutely nothing to write about.
I have no lists to compile, I have no great sense of accomplishment or closure, I am just going to wake up tomorrow and it will be January, 2010.
Why this overwhelming sense of ennui?
I have no idea. Maybe it’s because of all the drama in 2009. Maybe it’s because so many big-name celebs died this past year. I have never particularly cared for New Year’s, anyway. Once Christmas is over, I just want to be done with the holidays. New Year’s is simply the reason that I have to look upon my carefully decorated Christmas tree with a great feeling of anticlimax for a full week following the REAL holiday. No more wassailing. No more good cheer. In fact, people get downright nasty the minute those clearance sale signs go up.
Case in point: As you all know, in addition to all of my magnificent published works, I also work retail. The day after Christmas I show up to work and I am met with enormous green window signs announcing our biggest sale ever – 50% off your entire purchase. Wait, WHAT? AW, SHIT!!! I almost turned and ran in the opposite direction at a full clip, but I stayed…*heavy sigh*
(Anyway, about the nasty people…)
Amidst the chaos of this gigantic clusterfuck of savings, I had the misfortune of stepping into the path of a behemoth of a woman, who, in my very presence, slowly descended into insanity while she animatedly and loudly expressed her discontent at having to search through racks of clothing to find her ample size. Puzzled, I tilted my head to the side in bewilderment as she further insisted that the sizes should be on the HANGER and not just on the clothing.
I suppose if you were going to be WEARING the hanger, the size would be posted.
In response to her meltdown, I very deliberately assumed a too-sweet tone and suggested that I just run right to the back and pull EVERYTHING we have in a 3X. She agreed. I went to the back, retrieved an aluminum baseball bat, returned to the sales floor, and beat her until she was a smaller and therefore easier to come by size. She’ll thank me for that when she fully regains consciousness.
And she wasn’t even the worst offender.
This morning, I set about enjoying a lovely day of thrifting with some friends, and we proceeded to one of the stops on our thrifting route. As I am perusing a rack of clothing, I hear the voice of an older man approaching from behind, who quite clearly calls me and my friend “bitches” because we were standing in the “goddamn aisle.”
REALLY? Did that REALLY just happen?
I blacked out right after it happened, so I am not sure EXACTLY what transpired. I did happen to notice that the old man had a toy guitar shoved up his ass at an unfortunate angle as the cops were leading me away in handcuffs. I may have had something to do with that. Seriously, though, he verbally assaulted a few other shoppers on his way to pay for said toy guitar, which promptly and happily stopped working the INSTANT he paid for it…I nearly pissed myself laughing as he screamed, “Aw, COME ON you SON OF A BITCH!” and my friend smiled at me and said, “thrift karma.” The cherry on this cake is the fact that as we exited the store, his car was stopped in one of the parking lot aisles having inexplicably died, and would then refuse to turn over…it was delicious.
Of course, not everyone that you meet is intentionally shitty. Some are just so stupid that you want to bash their heads in as badly as you would if they were just aggressively combative. I submit to you this exchange that took place at our local hair cuttery earlier today:
Hairdresser: Who’s getting their hair cut?
Me: Liam
Hairdresser: Who?
Me: Liam
Hairdresser: Lima?
Me: LEE-UHM
Hairdresser: Lima?
Me: No, it’s LEE-UHM. Like Liam Neeson.
Hairdresser: LEE-MUM
Me: LEE. UHM.
Hairdresser: Leman?
I should really see a doctor about these blackouts that I am having. Every time I have one, someone gets hurt…AND a bad haircut. I would also like to reinforce that the above conversation is absolutely not an exaggeration.
I can’t decide whether or not it’s just a bad week, or if people really do suck this consistently and badly. I want to be optimistic, but I suspect it’s a case of “everyone simultaneously sucks and blows.” Oh well, nevertheless tomorrow starts a brand new year, and with each new year there is fresh hope. I resolve to post often and be funny. I resolve to finish and publish book FOUR (yeah, that’s right, bitches. I said book FOUR). I resolve to ignore the people that aren’t nice to me, and embrace the people that are. I will also fight the temptation to rip my sparkly Edward Barbie from his box, and I am NOT buying clothes without trying them on, FIRST. I also resolve to wear jeans to work every day. I will treat each day like a brand new opportunity, and I will only wear GOOD bras. I further resolve to throw out ANY underwear that has holes, and I will donate ALL of my fat clothes. I will also become fabulously wealthy, and all my good dreams will come true.
I wish that for everyone at UMOA, whether they like it or not.
Have a happy and safe and prosperous new year, everyone!!!
