The Biggest Stand-up Comic in History

The premiere of a new season of one of television’s many dead horses is once again upon us. Greats like Joan Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Tom Green are starring in Celebrity Apprentice 2. Electric Boogaloo. (Sorry. I always have to throw that in with sequels.)

My eyes, like the peepers of many, will be on one contestant this season in particular, one who lasted about as long as Gene Simmons did in Season One. That celebrity is none other than comedian Andrew “Dice” Clay. He was fired on the very first show because he’s complete horse’s ass.

A while ago a co-worker and I debated about who was sadder: Clay or rapper Vanilla Ice. His position was, as I believe it would be for many, that Vanilla Ice was the sadder one. I stongly disagreed.

For Ice is one of many flashes in the pan that the music industry has seen over the years. There are literally hundreds of one ot two-hit wonders that our culture made huge at one time, but now make fun of.

Dice is a whole different animal. Name another comic who was on top of the world then died off so quickly. Sure, he had a couple of big comedy albums and an HBO special, but he then failed in movies and television and disappeared.

Every other major comic I can think of, from Bob Newhart to Steve Martin to Eddie Murphy to Dane Cook remained successful. And I’m talking huge ones. I don’t mean Sinbad or Harry Anderson. Yet, not only did Dice fall so quickly, he holds onto that brief fame firmly within his own mind.

Here’s his quote from CA2’s premiere episode:

“I’m the biggest stand-up comic in history. Nobody ever, to this day, has sold more tickets in concert than myself.”

Dice’s Web site also still refers to the comic as “The Undisputed Heavyweight Comedy King.”

Perhaps by using the boxing terminology he’s only referring to physically large comics like Louis Anderson and John Pinnette. Nonetheless, this is 20 years since his peak in 1989-90. You might as well argue that Rick Astley is the biggest singer in history, Driving Miss Daisy is the biggest movie, and Roseanne the biggest television show.

I don’t know where you would get the career-long ticket sales for comics, but I would bet Martin, Cook, and even Larry the Cable Guy would give Dice a run for his money. Dane Cook, in fact, should come out and challenge Dice’s statement. The two have a lot in common. Cook steals from the likes of Joe Rogan, Louis C.K. and Demitri Martin just as Dice did from Sam Kinison, Otto Peterson, and who knows who else.

Dice Web site also states the following:

“His rise to fame was meteoric – with sold-out arenas, platinum albums, and starring roles in films and TV specials. His fall was just as epic – blackballed by the industry and becoming the man to hate by every PC group in the country.”

Yikes! A couple of things happened to him on MTV and Saturday Night Live and he’s coming off like he’s Lenny Bruce. Poor Dice! Forget that he never had a hit film or TV series in his life. Forget that Kinison, Murphy, Bill Hicks and others were just as dirty. He probably thinks Trump’s show will bring his back to his former stardom.

I’m not one to give credence to lists, but Comedy Central’s “Top 100 Stand-Ups of All Time from a few years ago is telling about Dice.

Let’s look first at the Top 10:

1.  Richard Pryor

2. George Carlin

3. Lenny Bruce

4. Woody Allen

5. Chris Rock

6. Steve Martin

7. Rodney Dangerfield

8.  Bill Cosby

9.  Roseanne

10. Eddie Murphy

Now let’s look at where Dice was on the list:

90. Dana Carvey

91. Jim Breuer

92. Louis Anderson

93. George Wallace

94. David Allan Grier

95. Andrew “Dice” Clay

96. Joey Bishop

100. Gallagher

Wow, not quite as grest as Grier or Anderson. At least he beat Gallagher. And Joey Bishop, who, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know was a comic. I thought he was just some dude who Sinatra and Dean Martin let hang around.

It’s interesting to note that Hicks and Kinison, two of Dice’s very funny contemporaries who happened to both die in the early 90s, were numbers 19 and 20 respectively.

If Dice had died young would he be more respected as a comic? Or, looking back, is his stuff a tad hacky, to the point where he’s Freddie Prinze (#49) at best?

Should Dice have been able to maintain the legendary status of a Chris Rock? Where were the hit movies that Woody Allen, Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin made? Where was the big TV show that Cosby, Roseanne and Jerry Seinfeld had?

Dennis Rodman has just as much right to call himself the biggest basketball player that ever lived as Dice has of his stupid claim. That’s why Andrew Clay is more sad than Vanilla Ice. This is why he’s doing CA2 with Joan Rivers, who, by the way, was at #44 of the list. So, according to Comedy Central, Dice isn’t even the biggest comic on CA2 this season.