The religious right tried to warn us, but some of us – I’m looking at you Massachusetts and California (good thing I’m cross eyed) – didn’t listen. That slippery slope that everyone laughed at, the one about gay marriage leading to things like incest and bestiality, is now a serious possibility.
Some states, probably New York or Delaware, actually have legalized incest and bestiality as ballot questions this election. Other states are even voting on heterosexual marriages. By Thanksgiving your neighbor could be hitched to his own sister or a manatee. You know where this will go next: Men marrying plates of spaghetti and piles of sawdust.
I told my gay friends Adam and Steve, I said, “What’s the world coming to?”
You know what they said to me? “Get used to it.”
I says, “I don’t wanna get used to it.” I says, “Marriage is between a man and a woman.” Then Steve slapped me. And I ran home crying.
If we don’t start passing laws defining every word in the English dictionary, these crazy pinko commies will be redefining everything. First marriage. Next – oh, who knows. I’m not very good with words.
They already took “single.” Single used to mean just not married. Now it’s, “Oh, I caught my boyfriend sexing the vacuum cleaner again. Now I’m single.”
You were never married, whore! Maybe if we had laws defining all the really hard words our kids would do better in school. What we need are laws defining those damn amendments we have. Separation of church and state? Where does it say that?
Pass a law legalizing marijuana and prostitution and you’ll have my vote, mister. In the 21st century we can drink and smoke ourselves dead and have Doctor Martin kick us in the bread basket and take our unborn child, but we can’t enjoy a joint or a hooker. That’s madness!
Who will save us? Who do we have to choose from? A Hawaiian and an Alaskan? What? Are those even states? The song doesn’t go - “From California to the New York islands, and don’t forget those shitholes with the igloos and the hula skirts.”
I never watched Magnum P.I. and thought – Boy, Magnum, TC or Higgins would make wonderful presidents. All this talk about how black, Muslim or socialist Obama might be – he’s from Hawaii! Might as well have Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat or that little Hawaiian Punch pitcher in the White House.
And Alaska? That place killed the guy in Into the Wild. All Palin has to do is take McCain on a ride in one of her hubby’s “snow machines” and stage an “accident,” and those Juneau hayseeds become the first family and turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a hockey arena, with Eskimos and sled dogs in the cabinet. Next we’ll have someone from Saskatchewan in the Oval Office. Those slopes are pretty damn slippery up there in the Yukon. Stupid Canadians with their Daffy Duck money.
And let me tell you, McCain’s Arizona is pretty close to not being a real state itself. That whole southwest, northwest, midwest – all those places. Those idiot settlers who went west were lazy bastards, or just greedy or stupid. The original colonists had some nice little, tidy states set up and some assholes come along and say, “Get a load of Kansas. Just invented it. Pretty huge, huh?”
“Oh, yeah?” says another bullshit settler. ”Check out Texas!”
Screw everything west of Iowa, I say.