I have this thing about teeth. It’s one of the first things I notice about people when I meet them, and I brush my own teeth with a rabid sort of OCD that makes the bristles of my toothbrush part like the red sea and lay flat against the plastic. Suffice it to say, I value my teeth and I fully judge others based on the condition of their teeth.
That being said, I find myself noticing each time a celebrity goes out and buys him or herself a new set of veneers. (Here’s a widely overlooked fact about human teeth: the teeth you are born with are the teeth you are supposed to have. If you look in a mirror, you will notice that the shape of your teeth matches the shape of your face…I’ll wait while everyone tests that theory)…In my humble opinion, it is both aesthetically pleasing and structurally vital for one to take great care of the teeth that God gave them rather than paying for a set of Lee Press-on Teeth, lest your mass-produced pebble-tech teeth make you look like this:
Seriously, think about ANY Hollywood celebrity and picture their teeth. Chances are they have had a set of Chiclet veneers placed over their perfectly good, natural teeth. Nicholas Cage, Chris Rock, Elliot Yamin…the list goes on. Even Miley Cyrus had her fucking baby teeth covered in veneers (of course, hers have a long stem on the back, so you can just poke them into her potatohead):
As if she didn’t look like an 18 pound bag of ass before…now she SOUNDS like she has a mouth full of potato salad, thanks to the second row of shark-teeth she had glued to the first set. Here’s another example:
Perfectly fine teeth…freakishly unnatural teeth.
Fake tan, fake teeth, fake boobs, fake ass…and they still don’t look good. That reminds me, has she done ANYTHING else besides being “Posh?” Ugh.
Editor’s Note… again:
Editor’s Analysis: siiiiiiiiiickkkkkk
Here’s the deal. Fake isn’t pretty. Fake is fake. If you want straight teeth, visit the orthodontist. Why can’t chubby girls with their own teeth and boobs be considered pretty? Just wondering.
As if these veneers aren’t creepy enough, get a load of THIS…
This little pageant victim is wearing what is known as a “flipper.” Evidently, it is undesirable for little girls competing in pageants to have missing, crooked, or otherwise unsightly teeth, so their mothers and pageant coordinators provide them with vendors who will gladly create a snap-on set of false teeth so that they can be “glitzy” and “glam.” Comfort is not a priority. Beauty is.
What is the shelf life of these fake teeth? Will they expire and start popping out of celeb mouthes in a mass exodus of porcelain? Or is like painting a house, where layers and layers build up over time, so much so that they will eventually not be able to close their mouthes?
this creeps me out…what’s next? Kneecap veneers?