Santa Claus is real. The atheists are wrong, and it was proven recently in Texas when a nine-year-old girl wrote a letter to Mr. Kringle in her class with the following list of things she wanted:
1. An Xbox system
2. A Barbie doll
3. For the crazy man that lives with us to stop molesting my sister and me
Next thing this pedo knew, the federales were at his door with tasers and billy clubs. So don’t you tell me there’s no Santa, you heathens. Claus saves lives! He runs through criminals like Brianna Broitzman through a nursing home.
In other unholy sex stories, and for those of you who may have thought that the publishing and film industries are complete horseshit, there’s a nine-year-old boy in Colorado who has apparently written a sex book. The book deal came from an essay the little fella wrote in school. I can remember when if someone wrote something good in school, maybe the teacher had him or her read it to the class.
Now there are book deals.
But that’s not all. This book, How To Talk To Girls, has been optioned for a film. Fucking Dr. Ruth never got a movie and she’s a German dwarf with a speech impediment! Who is this kid’s agent? And exactly who is going to read this book? Children don’t read unless it’s Harry Frigging Potter and only a pederast adult would even thumb through this crap.
Who besides Gary Glitter and busloads of NAMBLA members want to see a film about a nine-year-old love doctor? We gave
Hollywood Doogie Howser way back when. We can’t do it again. And who’s directing this epic? Roman Polanski? Woody Allen? The bike shop owner who touched Dudley in one of the many special episodes of Different Strokes?
Sources say chapter titles in How To Talk To Girls include “Cooties: Myth or Serious STD?”,”Fatty Arbuckle Her With a Baby Bottle,” and “How to Turn a Rape Scene Into a Clear Case of SIDS.”
And finally, Fran Drescher is the greatesr comedic actress in television history. Lucy, Mary Tyler Moore, and Wilma Flintstone can just fuck right off because Fran rules. And she would be the greatest senator since Harmon Killebrew.
