Pirates!

When I think of pirates I think of Johnny Deep as Jack Sparrow, Hall of Fame slugger Willie Stargell, and the Long John Silver’’ seafood chain. I think of a big drunkard on a dilapidated ship with a hook, a peg leg, and a stupid parrot on his shoulder.

cartoon-pirate

Popular culture has made pirates into silly geese. Certainly not the vicious, murdering pricks they’ve been known to be. Surely these Somali bastards are pirates, in the old school sense of the term. Fox News has taken to calling them terrorists, which I think puts a much-needed urgency on actually doing something about them than does calling them something that your child dresses as for Halloween.

If you’re at a party and some pirates crash through the window, you and your buddies would laugh and say, “That’s hilarious. Remember last year when those ninjas crashed our party?”

But if a gang of terrorists arrives, holy shit, you’re out of there so fast, and even the smuggest of atheists is saying his and/or her prayers (It’s a well-known fact that most hermaphrodites are atheists. I mean, wouldn’t you be?).

Even I, whose great grandfather was murdered by the most famous pirate, Honus Wagner, think of that stupid Sirens act at Treasure Island in Vegas when I think of pirates.

I mean, think of it:

A bunch of so-called “Sirens” catch and kidnap a pirate named Eros. Then they dance and sing, and Ole Sexy Name is resisting because he’s clearly a homosexual. Then the rest of the gay pirates come to rescue him. They’re the worst pirates you’ve ever seen. They’re like the Mighty Heroes meets The Birdcage.

So it’s a battle between the sexy sirens and the gay pirates. The acting is atrocious because it’s this voice over on a PA system that gives the whole thing a Jem and the Holograms feel. The singing is almost as bad, like the Pussycat Dolls. You start wondering if the Pussycat Dolls have names like the Spice Girls: Baby Pussy, Ginger Pussy, Scary Pussy. Anything to take your mind off this abortion you’re witnessing.

Then the pirates start mimicking the songs of the sirens, and, soon, the girls sink their ship. Undaunted, the pirates swim to the sirens’ ship to save Eros. By now, he doesn’t want to be saved. He’s experienced a conversion, but the other pirates don’t care. It’s now “Cockblockers of the Caribbean.”  In the end, everyone’s straight and they all have an orgy. It’s truly a story with something for everyone. It has lots of sexual innuendo and skimpy outfits for the more liberal people, but also a gay conversion story for the conservative viewer.

Is that what these Somali guys are? Ambiguously gay, singing, dancing pirates? Hell to the no! They’re terrorists, like Al-Qaeda and the American Idols producers. So let’s stop calling them pirates unless we’re including the word “butt” in front of it. Stupid Somali butt pirates.

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