I grew up Catholic. For the most part, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, except for the part where I had to go to mass at 7:30 every morning before school. Ugh. I get tired and bored just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, and the part where the Catholic church believes that everyone should live a lie and be miserable in the name of God in order to get into Heaven.
I will tell you the part that I hated the most. Ash Wednesday. I dreaded it all day. Standing in a long line of ostensibly repentant Catholics to have the priest treat me to a generous application of oil-soaked ash. It also smelled. Since I went to Catholic school, I had no opportunity to wipe that shit off my forehead before anyone saw it. If I didn’t have any ash, the nuns would likely march me right back across the street to the church to get me more, not to mention the fact that I would then have gravely sinned against God and be required to some sort of additional pentance.
Look at that poor girl’s face…not only is she thinking, “Really, Father Moreno, Really? Don’t spare any on my account, my dignity evaporated the minute that photographer started taking pictures.”
Now look at the shit-smear on her forehead. It serves no purpose but to be symbolically marked and pigeon-holed. I can tell you that I received ashes for YEARS and it didn’t keep me from sinning like it was my job. I have never killed anyone, though…so that’s probably why. In fact, it may have made me want to sin MORE so that the ashes would stop sticking to my forehead. Nobody likes Ash Wednesday. Not one person. It’s not like that crap stays on your face…NO…it starts to crumble off the minute you walk away, and it gets EVERYWHERE. All over your cheeks, your lips, your food, your clothes. You look like a friggin’ mechanic by the end of the day because, again, wiping it off would equal a fast-pass straight to hell.
I am devising a social experiment where I create the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Gaga, and I am going to replace the ashes with glitter. Now THAT would be cool. And since crosses really do resemble a target on your forehead, I am going to wear the glitter in a star shape, which will mean that I am a big, sparkly star and God loves me!
Besides, I think that’s what is going on in New Orleans, anyway…
Now, if you are Catholic and reading this: God will not smite you if you wipe that crap off your forehead. You will feel SO much better. It will liberate you in ways you cannot imagine. You know you want to…
*hands reading audience members a moist towelette*
Now, go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Amen.
