Hey, if you haven’t heard our economy is in dire straits. Many people are losing their homes and their jobs. That ain’t workin’. That’s the way you do it.
Some are affected. Or effected…Their lives suck, all right? Others couldn’t give a shite. Many are going out of their tiny little minds.
Take, for instance, George Bartusek, the Florida man who was spotted sexing it up with two blow-up dolls in his car at a supermarket parking lot.
Now, before you judge him, that could be any of us, fellas. Replace the dolls with a beanbag chair and a parrot and it is me.
At one time ole George might have been with a more expensive Real Doll in a cheap motel room. But now look where he turns. Blow-up dolls in this day and age. Granted, he’s the Fonzie of these things with one on each arm, but still. Who knew they still make ‘em? That’s like having a Commodore 64. We’re going backwards, people, and the press in asking the president about A-Rod and stupid steroids.
Then there’s the New Yorker – not the magazine, but some pervert – who was seen playing grab ass in the park with young boys. What kind of silly crime is this? This man might be the elusive Mighty Horse, the one who rocks the fat ass.
Police, however, said that, while when Mighty Horse rocks he indeed rocks the fat ass, this guy simply grabs the tiny buttocks of little 11 to 15-year-old boys and goes, “Hoochie coochie coo.” The troubled fella even has to commit his crimes in broad daylight, what with the curfew of the young lads. Give this man a job and take him off our fine streets!
Conversely, the sagging economy didn’t stop one lucky New Jersey man from spending nearly $200,000 to have the phone number 867-5309.
A local disc jockey auctioned the number off on ebay last week. Of course, the number was made famous by the early 80s song of the same name by Tommy Tutone, which Bruce Springsteen later covered as “Radio Nowhere.”
When I was a wee teen, young enough to have by buttocks grabbed in Gramercy Park, I remember a local rock station playing the message from dialing the Tommy Tutone number, which said, “The number…8 6 7 5 3 0 9…is not in service”
That, then just as now, is what constitutes comedy on local radio.
Anyhoo, this same deejay will also be auctioning off his summer home at 21 Jump Street, as well as his bottle of Jeremiah Peabody’s Poly Unsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills. So hop on over to ebay while the Internet still exists.
