Inky Stinky.

spiderman-chest-tattoo-torn-skin

I love tattoos.  I love everything about getting a tattoo.  I love the anticipation of the tattoo, the tawdry feeling of subversiveness that comes with hanging out in the tattoo parlor, the knowledge that you are going to leave looking a little more badass than when you walked in, and ESPECIALLY the searing sting and deafening SNAP of the tattoo gun, followed by the glistening sheen of the A&D ointment on your crisp and colorful new Rembrandt…but, most of all, the epiphany of finally finding “the” tattoo.  The perfect artistic representation of YOU, RIGHT NOW.

GOOD tattoos are beautiful.

Unfortunately, anyone of legal age with a hundred bucks in their pocket can get a tattoo.  Since there is no manner of “good taste” sieve to sift out the bad decisions, drunken pranks, and general, downright ugly, those of us with well-thought-out, artful, and spectacular tattoos are forced into the same category as the hideously ubiquitous “unicorn on my shoulder” and “rose on my breast” tattoos…blech.  Of course, the placement of those is interchangeable.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are above reproach because your unicorn is on your breast and your rose is on your shoulder…that doesn’t make either of them more attractive peeking out of the lacy straps of your Harley-Davidson tank top, sweetie.  Here, let me hold your beer for a second so you can flick the four inch ash from the tip of your Marlboro, and dig the ill-fitting daisy dukes out of your cameltoe.

Of course, as cheap and trashy as those tattoos are, and forever WILL be, at least they are not a colorful, bloody tampon.

bite-pull-fling-bloody-tampon-tattoo

You wanna talk about REGRET?  How the hell are going to explain this to your mother?  “But MOM, it’s an HOMAGE to ABSORBENCY!!!”  I suppose anyone with THAT tattoo is less concerned with what their mother is thinking, and more concerned about what goodies they might be able to dig out of her bathroom trash.  Bite.  Pull.  Fling.  Vomit.  Why not just get a tattoo of an honest-to-GOD douche bag, complete with nozzle and hose attachment?  Oh, because THAT might be considered gross and inappropriate.  Seriously, how incomprehensibly retarded do you have to be?

tradgey-comedy-misspelled-tattoo

Okay, I guess you have to be AT LEAST this retarded.  What in fresh hell is “TRADGEY?”  This tattoo is a tragedy.  Come ON…this is a permanent message, irreparably carved into your flesh for the rest of your natural life and incapable of being rectified.  The recipient had to approve this before it was made permanent.  Serves you RIGHT, ASSHOLE…SPELL CHECK YOUR TATTOO.

indian-corndog-tattoo

Is that Dionne Warwick?  WTF?

patrick-swayz-rainbow-centaur-tattoo

Here we have Patrick Swayze looking like a primordial dwarf…in addition to the OBVIOUS shortcomings of this monstrosity.  I would really like to know the back-story on this one.  It’s the perfect marriage of ballsy and stupid, since nobody else is going to get the joke.  “I am looking for something to cover up this cheap looking rose tattoo…”

I friggin’ HATE, HATE, HATE people that have stupid tattoos…and I don’t mean that I hate the tattoos, I HATE THE PEOPLE.  You wanna know why?  BECAUSE THEY ARE F*CKING STUPID!!!!  That is not to say that everyone WITH tattoos is stupid, obviously that isn’t true…I have seen people covered from head to toe in beautiful tattoos, but people that don’t put any thought into their tattoos, or the ramifications of getting a STUPID tattoo, deserve to look like the assholes they invariably are.  What’s next?  A tattoo of a masturbating Jesus?  Maybe Mother Theresa’s leprotic snatch?  I mean, there is an entire world of tasteless body art that has yet to be tapped, and millions of useless dickwads that are more than willing to sacrifice their own personal dignity to be a part of the problem…

No sweat, I have the perfect tattoo for them…

katies-revenge-forhead-tattoo

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About Katie Mullaly

Katie Mullaly is the author (along with Patrick) of the very popular Scare-Izona: A Travel Guide to Arizona's Spookiest Spots and Tucson's Most Haunted. Their third book - Finding Ghosts in Phoenix - will hit the shelves this fall, and two more books are currently in production. As well as writing for the hugely popular "The Buzz Media" website, she can frequently be seen as a featured extra in most of Peter Leon's films. She is her own Easter egg. Basically, she's awesome. She would also like to meet Adam Lambert because he's cool on a cellular level. So, if anyone can hook that up for her, that'd be great.

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16 Responses to “Inky Stinky.”

  1. C.J. January 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm #

    Hahaha…I’ve been gone for a while, but I have definitely missed your moron bashing, Katie… excellent!

  2. Katie January 9, 2009 at 9:43 pm #

    Thank you! I think moron bashing MAY be one of my superpowers…

    • Brendan November 6, 2012 at 9:51 am #

      Im a tattooist. And i agree with part of your write up. However People may come into the shop and have no clue what they want or even why. But getting a tattoo is an amazing experience. I will always get an idea from people and draw something up from that. But If a human being decides to cover there body in ink for no reason whatsoever. That’s there choice, You say there morons? There is one guy who has his legs all the way up to his shoulders done. He is the leading supervisor of a well known company….How is he a moron? He just loves the experience and the atmosphere of the whole process.

  3. Mike January 11, 2009 at 9:22 am #

    Kudos on finding these other horrendous tattoos, Katie. But I am sooo getting the bloody tampon tattoo immediately.

  4. katie January 11, 2009 at 5:09 pm #

    Actually, you should get two maxi-pads tattooed on your back that kind of look like angel wings, so you can be like ALWAYS with wings, because you will ALWAYS have winged maxi-pads on your back…

  5. Michelle September 20, 2009 at 1:40 am #

    This is awsome and you are an artist!

  6. kim May 8, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

    Where’d you find that bloody tampon tattoo? It really is a real tattoo that’s on the knee of an old friend of mine. He’s a tattoo artist and piercer and got his brother to ink it on as a permanent smart-ass comment.

    • Kelly June 9, 2013 at 7:48 am #

      Yea Kim is right. The tampon tattoo is real. I’ve seen it too. I knew him back in the day and I got my first tattoo at the shop he used to work at.

    • Amanda December 15, 2013 at 9:07 am #

      what state was that in??? I got mine around the time this was posted because I talked with an artist who said he always wanted to tattoo a bloody tampon on someone & that one seriously looks identical to the one I got on my leg… I hate having the same tattoo as someone else (hence why I always couldn’t resist getting it).. I had no idea someone else had it cause when I googled “bloody tampon tattoo” nothing came up.

  7. nutsohairy June 12, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    the Kattie’s revenge tattoo is from the carlisle indiana prison where his own cousin held him down and done it for the rape and killing of a little girl i worked there when it was done to him

    • Dobie February 12, 2012 at 8:02 am #

      nutsohairy (lol), is that true? I just watched the documentary on that case. It was on Investigation Discovery I think. They show the tattoo at the end of the show. His cousin did it? that’s wild. were there other inmates there holding him down, beating him, etc? Also it looks like he has a burn or shit or something on his face. what is that? That assh*le deserves all that and more.

  8. Brendan November 6, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    Just a clear up on the “Tragedy” tattoo….
    Do you not realize its deliberately misspelled?
    Its a tragedy that its misspelled, Its actually pretty clever.

  9. Bai November 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    somebody sounds angry :P

  10. Katie May 14, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

    Yeah, I’m not buying that it’s intentionally misspelled, but that’s cool. :)

  11. mr robinson September 9, 2013 at 2:29 am #

    Hello, Katie. I don’t think its necessary to hate people with terrible tattoos.

  12. Amanda December 15, 2013 at 9:03 am #

    I’m kinda pissed about the tampon tattoo… looks WAY too identical to mine :/ oh well… this coming spring I’m getting a douche, maxi pad, lipstick, pearls, diamonds… you know the pros & cons to being a woman.

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