I hate spam. I hate spam so much, that sometimes it makes me cry…mostly because of how much my knuckles sting while I am beating the crap out of the person that sent it. Okay, fine, that’s never happened, but I have made it pretty clear that I don’t want people to send me some stupid “angels and friendship” bullshit, but they still do it. So, I’m callin’ y’all out.
Most recently, I received one from my lovely aunt, who I can count on to send me a few every day (of course, she is certainly not the only person in my world that sends me spam, so this is for everyone). I sometimes send a polite email saying “please don’t forward these things to me, because I only delete them.” That doesn’t work. Sometimes, I will hit respond and say, “I’m fine, thanks for asking,” and – of course – that never gets any response, either. So, now, I am going to eviscerate this last spam in full view of everyone. Here goes:
Sometimes in life,
you find a special friend;
That’s true. Sometimes you do find special friends. Generally that’s done by stepping away from your computer, and placing yourself in social situations. I have a few good friends myself, none of whom fill my inbox with eDiarrhea. Usually, those friends send me PERSONAL emails, that update me on what’s going on in their lives, and ask me what’s going on in mine. Sometimes they just send me an email and call me a slut. I like those emails, and I like those friends.
Someone who changes your life
just by being part of it.
If by “changes your life” you mean “takes away some of my precious free time by forcing me to sift through my email box and delete, delete, delete,” then YES, I suppose that does change my life when spammers are part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh
until you can’t stop;
I am positive I can’t recall one instance of making any of my distant relatives laugh so hard that they can’t stop. That would be because I only speak to them on the occasion that another relative has either died or is dying. Not exactly a forum for comedy. I cannot recall the last time any one of them sent me an email to ask me how I am doing, or how my family is doing. In all fairness, I haven’t sent any to them, either, but I also don’t forward every cyber chain letter that I get. Checkmate.
Someone who makes you believe
that there really is good in the world.
Hogwash.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
Here’s your hat. What’s your hurry?
This is Forever Friendship. This is the sacred RED ROSE.
Who the fuck comes up with this shit? the sacred RED ROSE? This sounds like some gay-ass (and I use that in a non-derogatory and politically correct way) schoolyard bullshit. Does anyone ever actually READ these emails before allowing the “God will smite me” OCD mentality to take over and force the sender to forward them to everyone in their address book? I doubt it. The sacred RED ROSE does not work on me. Their are NO sacred RED ROSES in my world. I do not give or receive sacred RED ROSES.
They do not exist.
You MUST pass this rose on to at least 5 people within the
hour of receiving this rose. After you do, make a wish.
Actually, I’m a grown woman, and I don’t have to do a DAMN thing that I don’t want to do, and I don’t want to send this to anyone. So, I’m not going to. I am not wishing on an email to make my dreams come true. Instead, I am going to invest that time into another writing project (oh, like maybe THIS one), or perhaps I’ll just sit here watching nine straight hours of Cash Cab, or maybe I will just dress my cats up like the Andrews Sisters. Who knows? The point is that I am NOT now, NOT EVER going to forward this spam. My friends don’t require that of me, and Jesus isn’t going to kill a kitten if I don’t send an “I believe in God” email every time I get one. I am fairly certain God would just hit the delete button, too.
If you have passed it on, your wish will come true and love will come your way shortly.
If not your life will stay the same as it has always been.
Really? Are you suggesting that I live a loveless existance because I am not a purveyor of viral email? If you knew anything at all about me, you would know that I am actually very well-liked, and my little family unit adores me. That IS my wish. I already have it. I am quite happy to have my life stay the same as it has been for YEARS before you sent me this ridiculous email.
Actually, my wish was for everyone to stop sending me this spam. You see, since there is a fair amount of overlap in address books, I don’t just get it ONCE, I get it upwards of THREE different times by various and sundry siblings and such. They ought to KNOW better. I’m close enough to them to kick their ASSES.
Just be nice & pass it on….May we all be loved so much.
Friend if I don’t get this back I can take a hint!
Just be nice and quit sending me this shit. Seriously. I don’t want it. I don’t read it. I don’t play email Scrabble. I am not signing a petition to make it illegal to speak anything but English. I realize breast cancer research is important, and I am all for finding a cure, but I don’t see how forwarding email is going to make that happen any sooner.
Send this to 8 people or more and if this is sent back
to you then you know that you are a true friend…
What, are you bullying me now? What are you going to do if I don’t send this back to you? Do you have a tally sheet next to your computer where you make checkmarks of who sends this back to you? Are you going to steal my lunch money?
I guess what this whole things boils down to is this: If you want to keep in touch with me, then keep in touch with me. Send me an email and ask. Say “Hi, Katie, how’s it going?” I will cheerfully respond. Based on my entire life up until this point, I have no reason to have any real expectation that I will actually RECEIVE any personal emails from any of my notorious spamming friends and relatives, but a girl can always hope.
Hmmm…I bet you haven’t even read my books, have you? Sacred RED ROSE, my SACRED RED ROSY ASS.
Hi, Katie, how’s it going?
Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking you feeds also.