Let me apologize in advance for this totally self-indulgent rant.
So, the local newspaper is having a contest to find the ugliest backyard in the city. The entry consists of two photos of your yard and a 100 word essay on why your yard should win the $30,000 backyard makeover.
I have an ugly backyard, so I entered.
Filled with the hope of an actual chance at winning, I posted my photos and a cheerful description of why I think my yard should win. No drama, just a little note and some photos. Evidently I missed the part of the contest that says, “Please tell us why your injury/tragedy/patriotism should win you a backyard makeover.”
I couldn’t believe the entries. Some of these people have sparkling swimming pools and thick green grass, and they have ugly yards because the pool tile is outdated or they don’t like the direction the water feature flows. Can you say over privileged?
That isn’t even the worst of it. There is an entry that I came across, submitted by a dutiful daughter-in-law talking about her husband’s war-hero father and his loving wife and their seven children, all of whom had magical childhoods filled with Mayberry memories and enough visits from the Good Humor man to establish residency (that actually may account for some of the seven children, but that is strictly hearsay). The best part of the entry is the link to the feature article describing what a great citizen this man is and how his family is so wonderful – an article published by the EXACT SAME NEWSPAPER.
I have no doubt that this man is every bit the pillar-of-the-community he is made out to be in the article. In fact, I placed a call to the Vatican today to start the canonization process, but I digress. This is supposed to be an UGLY YARD contest. His yard isn’t ugly. But, because he has 400 children and grandchildren and everyone at the paper pulling for him, he’ll end up with a beautiful backyard oasis.
He is just one of about 900 war veterans, cancer patients, widows, widowers, childless parents, parentless children, gout sufferers, and shut-ins who think a brand new backyard is just what Rabbi Shmuley ordered. I even read about one guy whose entire family was murdered, so he entered the backyard contest. I am respectfully sorry for his loss (and I am truly sorry for the suffering of anyone in this contest), but linking those two things together is just plain creepy.
I think there may have even been one woman who has a head bigger than a Mardi Gras float and a goiter she drags in front of her in a wheelbarrow, but I couldn’t swear to that.
The point here folks is that it is an UGLY YARD contest, nothing more and nothing less. My backyard is ugly because I lean a little towards the lazy side, and yard work is closer to the bottom of my priority list. So, there you have it…obviously, this is someone else’s victory – and may the most deserving man win.
Anyone wanna help me hula-hoe?
