I just found out that I have to have some stupid surgical procedure, and I feel about anesthesia the same way I do about flying… I don’t like it. I realize it’s a necessary evil, but nevertheless…
As anyone would, I began searching the internet (which I just typed as “internest”) for anesthesia horror stories. The theory of course being that if I see how few there are, I will feel much better about the whole process. What I found was something beyond the pale.
Not exactly the horror stories I had in mind.
Skeletons in the…er…closet…
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
Okay, ew.
She’s a grand ole’ mal…
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
It must have been the strobing of his candy-raver testicles under the table that set her off…
Which came first…the chicken or the authorities?
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman’s labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
They also found a celery stalk, some red potatoes, and chopped carrots. Who wants TURKEY? MMMMMM….
A needle in a haysnatch…
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her pussy” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
Speechless.
And for my absolute favorite…
Honey, have you seen the remote?
A 500 LB woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
Okay, how many folds are we talkin’, here? A fucking remote control. I bet it smelled.
Wish me luck folks. Hopefully I don’t wake up with a rat in my pussy and an asthma inhaler in the crack of my ass.
I am having a really hard time figuring out how you get an entire TV remote stuck in between your vulva and don’t notice it for… weeks/months/years. It doesn’t really matter, you should notice stuff like that.
As incredible as that story is, chicken-baby was just unholy. The women didn’t just do that with chicken and tape everything up and call it a day… she used old-school diaper safety pins to make sure everything was locked in down there… you know, so it could gestate; as chicken-babies and alien fetuses tend to do.
It’s very, very wrong
Hey I know exactly who you’re talking about – those are the people I book cruises for! I had to tell that one lady that the cruiselines have a policy that you can’t sail if you’re more 24 weeks pregnant with chicken giblets. The lady with the ten years old skeleton was ok though. No rules against that.
Don’t they make a line of cruisewear with a special “vulvar remote pouch?” Seems like you can get that in a nice, no wrinkle fabric…I mean, isn’t your vulva on vacation, too?
<nodding knowingly with a pipe and monocle>