Facebook is the new CRACK!

I will admit that there is definitely a certain intangible appeal to Facebook.  Perhaps it’s the voyeuristic attributes that allow you to simply rifle through someone’s profile as though it were their medicine cabinet, or perhaps it’s the ability to add friends to your Facebook account like you are adding rats to a maze, and to watch the interactions begin.

I think my favorite thing is reading all of the carefully chosen status updates that are intended to convey superiority and indifference or exasperation in a simple sentence.

Katie is…FINALLY getting a break from piling her stacks of thousand dollar bills so that she can take them to the bank and get them OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!

You see, I am exasperated by how mundane and exhausting my life is, but I am also really RICH…you see how that works?  Or how about this one:

Katie is…tired of having to dust that damn Congressional Medal of Honor and wonders if she should sell it on eBay?

This will generate comments like, “OMG, I didn’t know you had a Congressional Medal of Honor?” or “NOOOOOO…You should be PROUD to have that…I am proud to KNOW you and you worked HARD for that…”

It’s the perfect tool to get people to congratulate you.  It is a perfect platform for the narcissist in all of us.

My favorite Facebook narcissist is the one who revels in the waves of compliments, and then agrees with everyone…for example, “OMG, You are so funny!!!  I totally missed your sense of humor!!!  I am glad we reconnected so I can keep telling you how awesome you are!!!” to which one might respond, “Thank you!  I often amuse myself!  Thank you everyone for noticing how funny I am…I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought I was funny!”

What the heck?  Funny people don’t laugh at their own jokes.  Funny people don’t need people to tell them they are funny.  INSECURE people need the constant positive feedback.

Oh, I also like people who wax political…I have been following the daily ramblings of my new favorite Facebook kudo whore and, among her requests for constant attention and affection, she decided to go off on a political rant about…well…nothing.  I wish I could repost the whole thing here, but I could seriously not figure out what the hell she was trying to say.  I read it like a dog with my head tilted to the side and a puzzled look on my face…I even showed other people who then tilted their heads and look puzzled…

Now, instead of one person saying, “What the hell are you talking about?”  The sheeple that responded all agreed…”OMG, Thank you for having the BALLS to write that!” or “I AGREE!!!  I am SO glad someone finally SAID what I was THINKING…”

This makes me wonder if they aren’t all schizophrenic.

I make it a point to limit the amount of exposure I have to politics in general.  By NOT following the minutae of budgets and taxes and cutbacks, I am able to save my energy for important stuff – like school budget cuts.  I also don’t profess to know anything about the agendas and sub-agendas of past presidents like Reagan or Carter…you know why?  Because I was 6 when Carter was in office and 10 when Reagan was…anybody on my facebook page that suggests an intimate knowledge of either of their presidencies is full of shit.

Now let’s discuss the carefully chosen Facebook photos.  Why does everyone feel compelled to look like a sex kitten?  I have a respectably decent picture on my Facebook page, in fact, it’s the very same photo as is inside the front cover of the last BOOK I had PUBLISHED (you see, just a tiny drop of “now tell me how awesome I am”).  I don’t have my lips puckered in a sultry pout.  I don’t have my hair cascading in a deep wave over my eye, a la Veronica Lake.  I just have tidy hair and a big smile.

At least nobody has a picture of their titties on Facebook…yet.

Oh, well…at least Facebook gives me something to complain about in my otherwise perfect life!

Katie is…wondering WHY Vogue and Allure decided to feature her on the cover AT THE SAME TIME??  God, I wish these people would get their heads out of their asses!!!