Experts Say Hell to Freeze Over Within the Year

Son of a bitch! We have another pandemic on our hands and I ain’t the least bit pleased about it.

I heard on the news today that somewhere - I’m hearing Kansas or New York or Mexico – one of those places (you know what I mean) - swine flew! Flew! Oh, they tried to scare us a couple of years ago with that whole “birds flew” business. Well, duh-huh-huh-HUH!

That, my friends, is what birds do.

This, however, is much more serious. I’m married now. They said it would never happen, but it did. And do you know how many dames told me they would date me when pigs fly? You can’t even count that high! No one can! Even an  Asian kid!

Now these girls are all getting away with gyping me out of my date. Well, I won’t stand for it! I’m taking my elephant gun – the one I used to kill the woolly mammoth last Thanksgiving – and I’m a hunting flying swine, and there’s not a damn thing the government can do about it. I’m calling Charlie Manson and the Big Bad Wolf and we’re baggin’ us some piggies.

Swine flew indeed!

And, while I’m at it, I visited my mother a few months ago and not once did I tell anyone that I flied to Dallas. So stop saying Dustin Pedroia flied to right his last time up, please, Mr. Baseball Announcer Guy. I’ve put up with that shit for 30 years. He flew! Just like these pork products that have ruined my life. You’d never say Thurman Munson flied into a tree in Akron, or that Corey Lidle flied into a Manhattan building, would you? No!

Oh, I’m having me some bacon wrapped in ham with a side of mini-weenies tonight. You can bet your coily ass on that!