Forty rockin’ years after the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders, world-renown Manson Family historian Doug Stanhope claims that the killing spree known as Helter Skelter was in fact an inside job. And, while Stanhope might have mentioned this in passing via a MySpace status nearly a year ago, as the anniversary of the murders looms UMOA is [...]
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God, I Hate These Smarmy Atheists!
Atheism used to be just about not believing. Steve Perry would sing, “Don’t stop believin’,” atheists would answer, “Screw you, big nose,” and that was the extent of the rebellion. “Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Religious Person. I’m busy baking muffins and I’m a non-believer. Good day.” That was it. These days it’s gotta be a [...]
Pirates!
When I think of pirates I think of Johnny Deep as Jack Sparrow, Hall of Fame slugger Willie Stargell, and the Long John Silver’’ seafood chain. I think of a big drunkard on a dilapidated ship with a hook, a peg leg, and a stupid parrot on his shoulder. Popular culture has made pirates into [...]
Experts Say Hell to Freeze Over Within the Year
Son of a bitch! We have another pandemic on our hands and I ain’t the least bit pleased about it. I heard on the news today that somewhere - I’m hearing Kansas or New York or Mexico – one of those places (you know what I mean) - swine flew! Flew! Oh, they tried to scare us [...]
UMOA Exclusive: What Ever Happened to the Other Howard Stern?
With recent news that Anne Nicole Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern might have been responsible for the beloved model’s death two years ago, one or two people who might still give a shit are asking – Wait, is that other Howard Stern guy still alive? Well, after shock jock Stern’s marriage to some horse faced [...]
Help me, Doc! I have March Madness!
March Madness. I’ve never had it. I’ve had spring fever. I’ve been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I even had a touch of the AIDS until I beat it with Robitussin. But I’ve never gotten March Madness. Maybe it’s because I don’t watch college sports. College, my Grampy used to say, is a time for cheating [...]
It's All About Fat Erock
There’s a new sensation sweeping the nation. No, it isn’t Fate Rock. I don’t even know what that would be. No, it’s FatErock.com, a Web site dedicated to radio producer Eric Nagel, AKA Erock, Hawk, Sex Bagel, Tank Hankerous, Hoagie Boy, and other unfortunate nicknames. Consisting solely of photos of Nagal’s head Photoshopped onto an obese man’s [...]
It's Still The Economy, You Dumb C***!
Hey, if you haven’t heard our economy is in dire straits. Many people are losing their homes and their jobs. That ain’t workin’. That’s the way you do it. Some are affected. Or effected…Their lives suck, all right? Others couldn’t give a shite. Many are going out of their tiny little minds. Take, for instance, [...]
Critics Pan Steve Martin's Second Raping of Peter Sellers' Corpse
There should be a new rule in Hollywood: no remaking comedies! And they should call it The Steve Martin Rule. I’m going to write a screenplay for a remake of The Jerk, and I will try to make as grotesquely bad as Martin’s The Pink Panther revisits. When I saw the remake of the classic [...]
Bring Back Puttin' on the Hits!
Put-Put-Put-Puttin’ on the Hits! Remember that show? Please say yes. Classic 80s television if there ever was any. Our reality-game show-based culture needs to bring that show back. Because before there was karaoke there was Puttin’ on the Hits. If you don’t know the show, it was on the air in, like, 1984-85, and contestants, [...]
Jim Rice Finally Gets in Hall; Thanks, You Bastards!
After 15 years of traveling to Cooperstown every January and throwing eggs, fecal matter, and bits of the dried-up bones of Bill Mazeroski at the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, the goofy, know-it-all American sportswriters finally voted Boston Red Sox legend, and my childhood hero, Jim Rice into its stupid sacred doors. To bring [...]
I Have a Hard Time Finding the DUI PSA I Need
It’s a new year – two thousand whatever the fuck. And if you watch the small screen 24/7 like I do, you’ve probably seen my favorite, very effective anti-drunk driving ad, which I would post here, but I can’t frigging find it. So, anyway, it features a bunch of lushes being pulled over by the [...]
Santa Clause Real; Boy Releases Sex Book
Santa Claus is real. The atheists are wrong, and it was proven recently in Texas when a nine-year-old girl wrote a letter to Mr. Kringle in her class with the following list of things she wanted: 1. An Xbox system 2. A Barbie doll 3. For the crazy man that lives with us to stop [...]
Oft-Flattened Clay-May Figure Wins Award
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? No one. Shut up. So it’s unofficial, of course, but after his appearances in ads for Mastercard and Subway this year, it looks as if celebrated and adorable claymation figure and former Saturday Night Live star Mr. Bill will be named Comeback Player of the Year for 2008. After beating out [...]
Good Eggs Bring Sunshine to Minnesota Nursing Home
People often ask what’s wrong with kids today. No respect for anything, these young whippersnappers, they say. They just waltz around with their iPods and their Hannah Montana sports coats, never paying any mind to us voting and drinking citizens. But a group of teenage girls in Minnesota has given us all a bit of [...]
Study Explains French Rudeness
The medical journal Who Gives a Shit? just released a new study that says the cleaner that people are the less judgmental they tend to be. This fascinating study, the fancy doctorin’ folk say, finally reveals why people bathe, why the homeless are such dicks, and why Shakespeare invented the term “cranky ass.” It also [...]
Abortion Protests Outside a Dry Cleaner
See this? This is a dry cleaners. NOT an abortion clinic like one would think. So those who were protesting outside of one of the stores last weekend were very silly. And wrong. You know, my grandpappy was one of the very first anti-abortionists. He’s stand outside a clinic, or next to a dumpster behind [...]
Coke Fiends, Dinner… Everyone Gets Pardoned
I always said that once George W. Bush was out of the White House he would immediately start hitting the bottle and the pipe again. And now we have our first signs of the amazing hijinks to come. Bush began pardoning evildoers this week – and who was one of the first names on the [...]
Remembering Jonestown
It was 30 years ago today. Reverend Jim Jones taught the band to play. All 900 plus of them. And play they did. November 18, 1978 was the day of the Jonestown Massacre in beautiful, sunny Guyana in South America. Jim Jones and his Peoples Temple took a little field trip – no permission slips [...]
Yes, Virginia, There is a Liberal Media Bias
I had planned on writing something silly today. Maybe something about the Swedish bestiality ring that they just busted. Perhaps something cute about the former American Idol contestant who killed herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house. Or how the “secret” in Victoria’s Secret is apparently formaldehyde. But I decided it was high time this soldier wrote [...]
Always a Trick, Never a Treat
Halloween stinks! Just as much as the metal band Helloween, who, even in my teen metalhead days, I couldn’t take seriously. There are three things I can’t stand: green peas, Norwegians, and anyone who refers to Halloween as a “holiday.” It ain’t a holiday. Any more than Valentine’s Day or your stupid birthday, no matter [...]
Students Face Suspension for 'Hit a Jew Day'
For their attempt to unselfishly add yet another Jewish holiday to the calendar, five Missouri sixth graders face suspension and mini-sensitivity training. It happened during “Spirit Week,” and in the spirit of the school’s “Hug a Friend Day,” (By the way, it’s days with this name that should truly be banned) that these young go-getters [...]
States to Vote on Incest and Bestiality
The religious right tried to warn us, but some of us – I’m looking at you Massachusetts and California (good thing I’m cross eyed) – didn’t listen. That slippery slope that everyone laughed at, the one about gay marriage leading to things like incest and bestiality, is now a serious possibility. Some states, probably New [...]
Come Oscar Season, Don't Forget The Joker
We’ve all seen The Dark Knight by now, yes?. If you haven’t there something wrong with you. It’s a rare occurrence for me nowadays, going to see the motion pictures, what with the ass-raping that is ticket and food prices. But how can anyone not be a part of the phenomenon that is The Dark [...]
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