Forty rockin’ years after the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders, world-renown Manson Family historian Doug Stanhope claims that the killing spree known as Helter Skelter was in fact an inside job.
And, while Stanhope might have mentioned this in passing via a MySpace status nearly a year ago, as the anniversary of the murders looms UMOA is pointing [...]
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Helter Skelter: An Inside Job?
God, I Hate These Smarmy Atheists!
Atheism used to be just about not believing. Steve Perry would sing, “Don’t stop believin’,” atheists would answer, “Screw you, big nose,” and that was the extent of the rebellion.
“Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Religious Person. I’m busy baking muffins and I’m a non-believer. Good day.”
That was it.
These days it’s gotta be a whole dog and [...]
Pirates!
When I think of pirates I think of Johnny Deep as Jack Sparrow, Hall of Fame slugger Willie Stargell, and the Long John Silver’’ seafood chain. I think of a big drunkard on a dilapidated ship with a hook, a peg leg, and a stupid parrot on his shoulder.
Popular culture has made pirates into silly [...]
Experts Say Hell to Freeze Over Within the Year
Son of a bitch! We have another pandemic on our hands and I ain’t the least bit pleased about it.
I heard on the news today that somewhere - I’m hearing Kansas or New York or Mexico – one of those places (you know what I mean) - swine flew! Flew! Oh, they tried to scare us a [...]
A Look Back at Celebrity Involvement at WrestleMania
When March Madness is over and the baseball season is only begining, that is the time for the major sports event of the year. I think you know which event I’m talking about.
WrestleMania is now a quarter of a century old as WrestleMania XXV is upon us. This is when wrestling fans say – So [...]
UMOA Exclusive: What Ever Happened to the Other Howard Stern?
With recent news that Anne Nicole Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern might have been responsible for the beloved model’s death two years ago, one or two people who might still give a shit are asking – Wait, is that other Howard Stern guy still alive?
Well, after shock jock Stern’s marriage to some horse faced model [...]
The Biggest Stand-up Comic in History
The premiere of a new season of one of television’s many dead horses is once again upon us. Greats like Joan Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Tom Green are starring in Celebrity Apprentice 2. Electric Boogaloo. (Sorry. I always have to throw that in with sequels.)
My eyes, like the peepers of many, will be on one [...]
Help me, Doc! I have March Madness!
March Madness. I’ve never had it. I’ve had spring fever. I’ve been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I even had a touch of the AIDS until I beat it with Robitussin. But I’ve never gotten March Madness.
Maybe it’s because I don’t watch college sports.
College, my Grampy used to say, is a time for cheating on trigonometry [...]
It's All About Fat Erock
There’s a new sensation sweeping the nation. No, it isn’t Fate Rock. I don’t even know what that would be.
No, it’s FatErock.com, a Web site dedicated to radio producer Eric Nagel, AKA Erock, Hawk, Sex Bagel, Tank Hankerous, Hoagie Boy, and other unfortunate nicknames.
Consisting solely of photos of Nagal’s head Photoshopped onto an obese man’s (Yes, it’s [...]
It's Still The Economy, You Dumb C***!
Hey, if you haven’t heard our economy is in dire straits. Many people are losing their homes and their jobs. That ain’t workin’. That’s the way you do it.
Some are affected. Or effected…Their lives suck, all right? Others couldn’t give a shite. Many are going out of their tiny little minds.
Take, for instance, George [...]
Critics Pan Steve Martin's Second Raping of Peter Sellers' Corpse
There should be a new rule in Hollywood: no remaking comedies!
And they should call it The Steve Martin Rule. I’m going to write a screenplay for a remake of The Jerk, and I will try to make as grotesquely bad as Martin’s The Pink Panther revisits.
When I saw the remake of the classic 1967 comedy [...]
L Brent Bozell is NOT seeking Amy, Thank You!
Back in ye oldern days of my life – maybe first grade – a friend of mine asked me if I knew his friend Kay.
I told him no. And why? Is she a goer?
“Well,” he began, with apparently no intention of answering my question. “If you see Kay, tell her I said hello.”
I quickly used [...]
Hannity Bids Farewell to Colmes
Say what you want about Alan Colmes. He may look like one of the Neptune Men, and he’s not nearly as cool, hip and groovy as his half-brother P-Diddy, but he helped create a living, breathing Fairness Doctrine with the legendary vaudeville team Hannity and Colmes.
While Keith Olbermann was over at MSNBC selling Don Imus [...]
Oh, That New 'The Bachelor' Guy is So Cute!!!
So I’m watching The Bachelor, poking my own eyes out with a pair of tweezers and praying that the helicopter carrying goofy single dad bachelor and the blond dodo contestant crashes into a mountain, when I realize: something – I need to become a television executive and begin producing new versions of horrendous, bigoted programs [...]
Bring Back Puttin' on the Hits!
Put-Put-Put-Puttin’ on the Hits!
Remember that show? Please say yes.
Classic 80s television if there ever was any. Our reality-game show-based culture needs to bring that show back. Because before there was karaoke there was Puttin’ on the Hits.
If you don’t know the show, it was on the air in, like, 1984-85, and contestants, mostly junior [...]
Jim Rice Finally Gets in Hall; Thanks, You Bastards!
After 15 years of traveling to Cooperstown every January and throwing eggs, fecal matter, and bits of the dried-up bones of Bill Mazeroski at the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame, the goofy, know-it-all American sportswriters finally voted Boston Red Sox legend, and my childhood hero, Jim Rice into its stupid sacred doors.
To bring this [...]
Obama to Tackle Next Crisis: Oprah's Weight Gain
President Elect Barack Obama says he is putting the country’s economic crisis on hold for the time being in favor of a much greater issue: Oprah Winfrey’s latest battle with her stupid weight.
Winfrey bravely came out about her most recent fattening up last month, causing those across the U.S. to pause – as they lose [...]
I Have a Hard Time Finding the DUI PSA I Need
It’s a new year – two thousand whatever the fuck. And if you watch the small screen 24/7 like I do, you’ve probably seen my favorite, very effective anti-drunk driving ad, which I would post here, but I can’t frigging find it. So, anyway, it features a bunch of lushes being pulled over by the [...]
I Declare War on Santa Hats!
Man, woman or child, if I see someone wearing a Santa hat, I want to knock it off their stupid heads. You’re taking the Christ out of Christmas; I’m taking that queer hat right of your damn head. Especially a grown man. If you’re an adult male wearing a Santa hat to work, you should [...]
Santa Clause Real; Boy Releases Sex Book
Santa Claus is real. The atheists are wrong, and it was proven recently in Texas when a nine-year-old girl wrote a letter to Mr. Kringle in her class with the following list of things she wanted:
1. An Xbox system
2. A Barbie doll
3. For the crazy man that lives with us to stop molesting my sister [...]
Assholes of the Week
It’s time to hand out my very infrequent and rare Asshole of the Week Award, and it’s a tie this week between blind as a bat New York Governor David Paterson and some attention-hungry slit in North Carolina. Mind you, some white supremacist couple in Pennsylvania made the news after trying to get an extra-vanilla [...]
Fran Drescher for the U.S. Senate!
Everybody’s talking about Caroline Kennedy’s bid for Hilary Clinton’s Senate seat just because her dad was president and that pederast Neil Diamond wrote a song about her. But in the land of politics making strange bedfellows (Not that two fellows should be in bed together. God calls this an abomination; though I call it hot!), [...]
Oft-Flattened Clay-May Figure Wins Award
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
No one. Shut up.
So it’s unofficial, of course, but after his appearances in ads for Mastercard and Subway this year, it looks as if celebrated and adorable claymation figure and former Saturday Night Live star Mr. Bill will be named Comeback Player of the Year for 2008.
After beating out such legends as Goliath [...]
Good Eggs Bring Sunshine to Minnesota Nursing Home
People often ask what’s wrong with kids today. No respect for anything, these young whippersnappers, they say. They just waltz around with their iPods and their Hannah Montana sports coats, never paying any mind to us voting and drinking citizens.
But a group of teenage girls in Minnesota has given us all a bit of hope. [...]
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