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Author Archive | G

Perspective, people. Perspective.

We all know that people are insane. We also know that they are stupid. But this, this is just pathetic. A Wal-Mart temporary employee was trampled – TRAMPLED, as in KILLED – by people who BROKE DOWN THE DOORS minutes before the 5am Black Friday opening. He was only 34. From the International Herald Tribune: […]

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Panda BEAR… Dumbass….

Any story that starts out like this is going to be awesome: BEIJING (AP) — A college student in southern China was bitten by a panda after he broke into the bear’s enclosure hoping to get a hug, state media and a park employee said Saturday. Don’t fall for their wily woman panda ways! Or […]

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Just When You Thought Life Couldn't Get Any Weirder…

You become a tree. So apparently this guy in Indonesia got a cut on his knee when he was 15 and a wart appeared and then the shit storm broke loose all over his leg and spread throughout his body, hijacking his cells and demanding “One MILLION DOLLARS” while cruising around in a Bob’s Big […]

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We need cute, STAT!!

It has been brought to our attention that our “Cute” section is big on quality but short on quantity so in the ensuing weeks our cuteness gnomes will be running full speed to bring to you, dear reader, the adorable quota your life requires. Times are tough. We understand that. But kitties and puppies, they […]

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Boy… and We Thought Schools Were Strict in Our Day

My friends and I used to get a kick out of passing notes, throwing spitballs, and crafting masterful paper airplanes to sail at the back of the teacher’s head. Worst case scenario, we missed a recess if we got caught, but it was oh so worthwhile. In the age of school shootings and stabbings and […]

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If You are Going to Harass Your Crazy Mom in the Kitchen This Year…

… be sure to videotape her psychotic abuse and post it on YouTube for the world to see your dysfunctional family. Mom in the kitchen baking holiday cookies and beating her children reminds me of those times when I’m out at the zoo on a beautiful day and the parents have taken the family out […]

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Competency. Try it.

It’s Friday, thank god. As anyone who has ever worked a phone job can attest to, that amazing invention with the buttons and the dial tone attracts some total nutjobs that grace one’s daily life on this end of the telephone cord with some truly awesome glimpses at humanity at its finest. For example, the […]

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It's Ninja Day!!!

Ok, not really. But I found this video and HAD to make up a reason to share it. And in the spirit of it being (kind of) Ninja Day… here’s more Ninja cowbell for you. Ninjas. One of God’s greatest creations. There’s one watching you right now.

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It's an Inspirational Time…

The election is past us now (thank GOD will you MORONpeople stop calling my CELLPHONE now and wasting my MINUTES!?), and I’ve been in a reflective mood since that fateful night. Like, why the hell did boyfriend and I just spend $14 on two shots of tequila and two chasers at the election night party, […]

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I Love Seeing People Getting Owned

Or is it Pwnd? Is it just me or is this the ONLY guy in the world who doesn’t see anything coming? WHEN GEESE ATTACK!! I can’t decide whose face makes me laugh more.

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No, it DOESN'T "All Go to the Same Place"

… and even if it *does*, that doesn’t mean it *should*. My roommate was trying to make the case for chicken and waffles the other day. If you haven’t heard of this combination, you’re not the first. But it’s true, some people eat chicken and waffles – yes, together – and those who like it, […]

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You Look Like Today Made Way Too Much Sense

It’s already been a long week and it’s only Sunday. I just got off the phone with a woman who wants to book a cruise and swears up and down that she sailed out of Nashville last year on her vacation and she wants to speak with my supervisor because I am being “unhelpful and […]

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I Know I'm Going to Hell, but…

Everyone’s got an [asinine] opinion on everything on the internet these days. Like a traffic accident, sometimes I can’t help but look. And as a hell-bound human, when I do, I can’t help but think of this picture. And laugh.

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And While We're Going to Hell…

We might as well laugh our asses off doing it. Fast forward to 2 minutes and watch. Again. And again. And forward to your friends. Bookmark it and any time you’re having a bad day, just come back and watch Scarlet take one for the team – guaranteed to cheer you up all over again. […]

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Most Awesome Heart Attack Ever?

Yes folks, one-stop shopping has reached an all-time peak. Now you can get two of god’s greatest gifts on this morbidly obese, deep-fried green earth in one delectable wrapper: Krispy Kreme donuts and bacon cheeseburgers. I can die (of cardiac arrest) and go to heaven now. Or…wherever…since consuming one of these is probably akin to […]

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Awesome Halloween Costumes: The Pet Edition

If you’re going to be that amazing, your sidekick has to be too.

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All Right, if Your Lazy Ass Hasn't Gotten a Halloween Costume Yet….

Here are some ideas to get your butt in gear. You know you want to be this awesome.

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Hott – With Two T's

“Poop” is also spelled with two consonants. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

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Screw Divorce Court, Take What's Yours!

Awesome. In new developments of “the world is effing crazy”, one man in Cambodia has renounced the need for messy legal proceedings when it comes to splitting up with his bitch because she “wouldn’t tend to him when he was ill.” Now, I’m not sure if being “ill” means debilitating disease, crippling infection (can’t be […]

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From the Brilliant Parenting Files… File #3

The first line of the story says it all: STEVENSVILLE, Montana (AP) — About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased. But really, to get the full effect, you have to keep reading: […]

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We don' need no grammer let the mutha effa WHA!!!!

I’m always on the lookout for signs of our times because they are endlessly amusing or endlessly frightening and at any rate it’s always good to see “were u at” in life. I’Ve uNfoRtuNaTEly GoTTen KinD of USed to SeEing WriTing LiKE THIs, but I can never quite get over some of the…slang?…that is cropping […]

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From the “Brilliant Parenting” files… File #2

Wow parenting just gets better and better these days! Now, if you make a mistake – or nine of them – Nebraskan law says you can just click “cancel” and call it a day! I can see it: Hi honey, how was your day? Fine snookums. I got tired of changing diapers for Billy, Samantha […]

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From the “Brilliant Parenting” files…

I’ll never understand why we have to pass tests to get past first grade, get a driver’s license, or get into eharmony.com, but to bring a child (or twenty) into the world? Nothin. We live in a world of creating stockpiles of band-aids to fix our severed limbs as a society. What ever happened to […]

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Visiting Mom in Small-Town Idaho, Part 2 of 3: "Different" ways to communicate

Signs are designed and written to communicate things clearly and quickly. (Though sometimes signs don’t always successfully convey quite what we mean.) In fact, sometimes, we don’t quite know WHAT the hell we mean, or how to say it. But, as I discovered – many times over – on my visit to small-town Idaho, nothin’s […]

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