Assholes of the Week

It’s time to hand out my very infrequent and rare Asshole of the Week Award, and it’s a tie this week between blind as a bat New York Governor David Paterson and some attention-hungry slit in North Carolina. Mind you, some white supremacist couple in Pennsylvania made the news after trying to get an extra-vanilla birthday cake made for their three-year-sold son, adorably named Adolf Hitler Campbell. But them and their two-year-old daughter, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell?

Not Assholes of the Week.

Governor Paterson, New York’s replacement for the hooker-loving Eliot Spitzer, said this week that he wants to start taxing everything from fat to sight to science, which was what blinded Paterson in the first place. It seems like the jump start to the insane tax tirade was Fred Armisen’s portrayal of Ole Dead Eyes on Saturday Night Live. The sketch rubbed one or more of the Gov’s handlers the wrong way.

But here’s my question: Has SNL ever before done a sketch that offended any of these people? Of course not. These selectively offended asses saw this sketch and thought – My stars! That’s our beloved Governor, the poor man who can’t see the sunset or a pretty flower. Something must be done to this Armisen fellow.

So you’ll never see this sketch again. Armisen will never do it again. Isn’t that a great solution?

The only thing that bugs me more than people who get offended by humor are people who get selectively offended by humor. Make a joke about blacks or Asians or Down syndrome and they laugh, laugh, laugh.

But start a joke with, “People with cleft palates…” and it’s, “Hey, my sister has a cleft palate and it’s very difficult for her. So don’t go there!”

ECCH!!! Shut up! Stop ruining everyone else’s fun. I’ll screw your monster of a sister right in the mouth.

The late comedy legend George Carlin said anything can be funny, even rape. “You don’t think rape can be funny?” he once asked. “Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.”

All right, enough of the stupid governor. To the next winner I ask – When does it stop?

I’ve long been for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas, you Jew or secularist bastard.” I mean, who gives a shit? Santa was invented to say “Screw you” to Christ in the first place. But every frigging year some parent, some attention whore, needs to spread his or her stupid, angry non-believing cheer to everyone else.

Some Carolina woman is bitching about her little angels being subjected to the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” because of the “religious overtones” in the tune.

What religious overtones, you stupid hole? The part where all the other reindeer nail Rudolph to a cross? The part where Santa takes seven toys and makes a whole village eat them?

What do these folks do when a real religious Christmas song is played somewhere? If Rudolph makes them call the school, “The First Noel” must drive them fucking Columbine. Someone has to stand up and say, “Go fuck yourself, you needy little douche and take your kid out of public school.”

At a school in Wisconsin, they’re singing “Silent Night, Cold in the Night.” Good Lord, why not write ABC and tell them to stop showing the Peanuts Christmas specials? I heard “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” the other night and said, “Shit, they’re gonna get some e-mails about this cartoon.”

When did Jesus become the bad guy? If you don’t want your kid in a play with words like “holy” and “Christmas” mentioned, stay home and watch a stupid Law & Order rerun. Find a private school for your precious children.

By the way, Santa and reindeer? They don’t exist, you crazy bitch! You’re complaining about made up shit!

If this isn’t enough, a group of atheists in Washington have created their own little anti-religious Christmas symbols and are even calling on us to celebrate Festivus.

That’s from a sitcom, you simple bastards! Why not just start worshiping Bobby Wheeler from Taxi?

And when did atheists start protesting? Back in the good ole days it was enough to just not believe. Now they’re like the anti-abortionists or the peacenicks.

Saying “Happy Holidays” and including a menorah in a display is one thing, but to screw with every part of the holidays is babyish. If you don’t want to sing the frigging song, or say the Pledge, for fuck’s sake, fine. Go hide out in the bathroom for 60 seconds. But don’t spread your shit around and screw up my kid’s Christmas, you entitled piece of shit.

God bless us, every one.